How To Discuss Difficult Questions Without Conflict [4 steps]

The American psychologist Marshall Rosenberg came up with a communication tactic that helps to discuss difficult issues without conflict and to find compromises. It's called nonviolent communication and consists of four steps. The more you practice it, the better you'll get at it.

✍️ Step 1. Describe the situation objectively

Try to describe the situation as an outsider, avoiding evaluations and accusations. The technique of "self-talk" will help: It is important to talk only about your own thoughts and observations, not about what the other person did or did not do.

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❌ "You're not paying attention to me at all."

✔️ "I've noticed that we've been seeing less of each other lately."

This way you can make the other person more open to a constructive dialogue, and you can also cool down and look at the situation through someone else's eyes.

👏 Step 2: Talk about your emotions.

Explain how you feel in the described situation. For example, that you are scared, hurt, lonely, irritated or confused. But don't blame the person you are talking to.

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❌ "You can't hear what I'm saying to you at all."

 

✔️ "It pains me that my opinion is not considered meaningful."

 This will help the other understand why it's important for you to deal with the problem

🙏 Step 3. Articulate the need.

According to Rosenberg, negative emotions arise because a person's needs for recognition, respect, safety, affection, and support are not being met. But the other person may not be aware of this, so it is important to tell them.

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❌ "I am so pissed off by your jealousy."

✔️ "It's very important to me that there is trust in the relationship. Without that, I don't feel safe." questions

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After that, it will be easier for you to approach the next, most important stage of the conversation

🤝 Step 4: Make a request.

It should contain a way to meet your need, but you don't have to demand it. Otherwise you can't avoid a fight: the other person may feel that he is being forced to do something, and he will start to resist.

❌ "You have to spend the whole weekend with me."

✔️ "What do you think if we planned to go out to a cafe or movie together once a week?"

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Be prepared for the possibility that the person you're talking to might say no. In that case, ask him or her about the reasons, be understanding, and offer to find a compromise

⭐️ Bonus

There are other recommendations for improving the quality of communication.

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Don't compare your interlocutor with others. Rosenberg considered this a type of hidden judgment-it can be another reason for conflict.

Don't hang labels. Neutral ones - such as "housewife" - limit our perception of the other person's personality, which can cause us to neglect their needs. Insulting labels - "stupid," "loser" - undermine a person's self-esteem.

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Don't be afraid to be vulnerable. Acknowledge your feelings: it makes it easier to connect with people.