How To Become More Confident [5 Tips]

Ways to improve your relationship with yourself.

Difficult times are easier for those who are confident.

What is self-confidence

Self-confidence is a realistic attitude toward one's skills and abilities. A person who possesses this quality accepts himself as he is and trusts himself. He knows his strengths and weaknesses, sets himself achievable goals, knows how to defend personal boundaries and accepts criticism calmly.

Lack of self-confidence leads to constant doubts, a feeling of insignificance, as well as an inability to trust. This problem sometimes does not apply to all areas of life: a person can be confident in himself as a professional, but experience difficulties in relationships.

According to research, self-confidence begins to form at the age of five. The way parents choose to raise themselves plays a decisive role in this process. In 2013, Croatian scientists interviewed several hundred schoolchildren and found that self-esteem is usually lower in children whose parents have an authoritarian style of upbringing: setting strict rules and require strict adherence to them, without listening to the opinion of others. Also according to American scientists, self-esteem is negatively influenced by:

1.      Frequent and harsh criticism from parents.

2.     Inability and unwillingness of parents to support the child in his endeavors.

3.     Ridicule of his mistakes and shortcomings.

4.     The parents' demand to be perfect always and in everything.

5.     Physical and emotional abuse.

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Overconfidence is also harmful: it prevents one from moving forward and can lead to cruel disappointments. For example, because of the fact that it was not possible to achieve too ambitious a goal. But both the lack and excessive self-confidence is usually not related to the actual skills and abilities - they depend on personal perception. This perception can be changed. Here are a few ways.

Neutralize cognitive distortions

Emotions affect how satisfied a person is with his life. But often our automatic reactions to events do not reflect the real state of affairs. In many cases, they are overly negative--but this is not as harmless as it seems. American psychiatrist David Burns described in his book Anxiety Therapy how automatic thoughts and cognitive distortions affect the human psyche.

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They can multiply anxiety, deprive hope, and undermine self-esteem. A prime example is when, after being rejected at a job interview, a person thinks, "I'll never get anything done." This rejection could be due to a hundred different reasons, and it says nothing about future career prospects, but nevertheless the far-reaching conclusions do not motivate courageous action. Here are a few other cognitive distortions that hit self-perception.

Examples of cognitive distortion

But such negative thoughts can be brought under control by keeping an emotion diary. To do this, draw three columns on a piece of paper: "automatic thoughts," "cognitive distortions," and "rational response.

Each time you feel insecure, record your anxious thoughts in the first column. Then think about what cognitive distortion is causing them, and record it in the second column.

After that, you should try to replace the negative thought with a more realistic and rational one. Instead of the over-generalization "I'm definitely going to fail at the interview, I never do well" you can write "If I don't worry, I can make a good impression, I have a story to tell." Such a thought should be put in the third column, and then assess how much your mood and level of anxiety have changed.

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Use comic visualization

Another way Burns recommends is to exaggerate your fears to incredible proportions so that it becomes even ridiculous.

For example, you're afraid that your talk will be too boring and they won't listen to you. Imagine that as soon as you start talking, the audience will begin to fall asleep rapidly, some will bassily snore, others will drop their heads on their neighbor's shoulder. After the speech everyone will wake up from sleep and conclude that a long time so well asleep. As a result, you'll be famous as a lecturer whose speeches can overcome insomnia and rejuvenate. People will go to your lectures in droves to sleep.

You can use this method in any area in which you feel insecure. Even in your personal life. Burns tells of a patient of hers named Nadine: she really liked a single, good-looking lawyer she met regularly in the elevator. But she didn't feel confident enough to talk to him. Burns advised her to pretend the next time she met the lawyer that he looked serious in court in his underwear. Nadine did so. This instantly relieved her inner tension. They were able to arrange a date.

Burns' colleague Michael Yapko, a psychotherapist, recommends using the method of comedic visualization differently. He advises patients to imagine their negative, self-esteem-damaging thoughts being uttered in their funny voices by cartoon characters such as Winnie the Pooh, Donald Duck or Masyanya.

As Burns explains, such techniques help to change the reaction to the inner self-critical monologue and to realize the absurdity of certain fears. After all, absolute failure or success rarely happens, so it is more realistic to expect something average. True, this method may not work if a person is very upset or angry - then it can only increase apathy.

Use a strategy of small victories

When a person achieves goals, his self-confidence grows. Goals do not have to be ambitious. Suitable and those that are quite realistic to achieve in a short time, and thus feel a little more confident.

What you can do:

1.      Find a sport of your choice and go to training regularly. According to the American Psychological Association, sports improve mood and help fight anxiety and depression. And getting fit gives you a sense of accomplishment and boosts your self-esteem - so it's also important to find a way to track your progress.

2. keep track of all your progress at work. Often we forget what we did well and take a long time to get over failures. If this happens to you, keep a list of all, even minor work victories - you'll be surprised how many small victories you have in your account every day.

3. start learning new things. A new language, online course or lecture adds to your knowledge base and boosts your confidence by pushing your limits. You don't have to learn something that will be useful right now - pick something you like. Learning develops the brain in any case, and solving new problems helps you look at routine work from a new angle.

Change your impression of yourself

We read our interlocutor's body language without realizing it. A person who looks tense, with his arms crossed over his chest and looking somewhere on the floor, seems closed and unsure of himself.

Consciously controlling your movements during an important meeting is not easy. But it is still worth trying to adopt a more relaxed posture, to drop the shoulders, to smile slightly, to periodically look into the eyes of the interlocutor. At first it will require effort, but over time it will become a habit, will look more confident in the eyes of others and achieve better results in the work.

Clothing is also important. It doesn't have to be expensive, but it should be comfortable and fit the image that you would like to be associated with. This will make you feel more relaxed and at ease.

Protect yourself from toxic effects

Friends, relatives and colleagues can greatly influence self-esteem. In a supportive environment, anyone will feel more confident, whereas constant recriminations can cause even the most confident among us to lose heart.

How to improve communication:

1. Analyze your relationships with your friends and family: how do these people treat you, how do they evaluate you, support or criticize you, how well do they express their judgments? Sometimes those closest to you throw you off balance and hurt your self-esteem. It can be impossible to break off relations with them, but it is possible to minimize contact and establish personal boundaries. At first it will not be easy, but if you insist on repeating that you are not ready to listen to criticism, over time, the relationship may change.
   
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2. Learn to say no: by agreeing to any, even uncomfortable to you event, you may feel a loss of control over your life. Before you say yes, give yourself time to evaluate your options - sometimes a polite refusal helps to save time, energy and feel more confident.
3. Limit the social networks: The more often we flip through the posts of successful people, trying to compare ourselves with a retouched picture, the more chances we have to lose faith in ourselves. It is worth setting a time limit on using social networks and periodically reminding yourself that a picture on the Internet can be very far from real life.
   
   
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